Friday Links Roundup - 2/13/15

2/13/2015 01:00:00 PM Lexie Dunne 0 Comments

Welcome to the Friday Links Roundup for February 13, 2015. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

Mallory Ortberg is basically just killing it all the time. I have no idea how she does it, but I present to you Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I just shed a proud tear. I am sorry that Harry Rand-Potter feels that Mallory will be the first dead because talent is fragile, but for now, I shall be grateful she exists. (also: Two Medieval Monks Invent Dinner Parties)

I really can't wait for the movie. I hope they cast a great actress for Valentine Neverwoods.

This gif sums up my life:

Do yourself a favor. Don't go see 50 Shades of Grey this weekend. Go see Jupiter Ascending. I don't have time to whip up a full review, given that I'm currently in the middle of trying to strangle Gail (this may be literal; you won't know until June 30th), but any of the below should sway you:

• Edwin Jarvis and Mrs. S are Jupiter's parents
• Channing Tatum is shirtless for a good thirty minutes. There isn't really a reason except Channing Tatum.
• THERE ARE DRAGON GUARDS.
• CHANNING TATUM IS A WOLF-MAN WHO SHOWS UTTER DEVOTION TO THE MAIN CHARACTER, HAS WIGGLY EARS, AND (SPOILER) GETS WINGS. I AM 95% SURE I WROTE THAT NOVEL.
• DRAGON. GUARDS.
• Eddie Redmayne's gonna win an Oscar at some point. 
• And the acting in that movie will NEVER top his sparkle space vampire whisper in this movie.
• Scenery porn
• Jupiter is great. Seriously, she is sexually forward and never shamed for it, and it's beautiful.
• Did I mention that this is basically a novel I would have written at 14? ONLY WITH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS APPLIED TO IT?
• GO SEE IT.